31 Days of Growing Up: Day 15

I sat in a special-order rocker surrounded by a tiny boutique nursery, knees drawn to my chest, sobbing.

Everything I thought I wanted within my reach. Starter home that we adored with big dreams for the future, beautiful baby that came with the great price of a first  loss, career I loved that followed a dream-squelching degree.

Utterly, desperately, miserable.  Not one bit of justifiable reason.

I’d love to talk to that girl right now, tell her there were thousands of reasons.  That she wasn’t a spoiled brat, demanding, selfish or ungrateful.  Layers of decades of expectations piled high with truth that didn’t substantiate Truth.

Loss to the tenth power without definition. Deep calling from a room of utter blackness. Hope on the other side of yet more decades of loss, lies and turn-your-heart-inside-out pain.

I would tell her not to be afraid that she was ready for this.  That there were darker days ahead but what they say is true,  it’s always darker before dawn. And always might seem  forever and darker might seem dead, but dawn is worth it.

This is the part of the 31 days that’s a game changer for me.  The part where I tell you stories I had no intention of sharing.

But deep is daunting and black is terrifying and when layered with loss, they don’t seem like a recipe for hope.  And Hope Stands in Defiance.

It’s a line in one of my favorite Sara Groves songs.   Honestly – they’re all my favorite, because when the dark turned pitch? Her words held my hand.

Think I’ll start Sara shuffling non-stop on  the i-boxes today.

In The Girl There’s A Room

In the girl there’s a room
In the room there’s a table
On the table there’s a candle
and it won’t burn out

In the woman there’s a song
In the the song there is hope
in the hope revolution

In the boy there’s a voice
in the voice there’s a calling
In the call there’s a promise
and it won’t quiet down

In the man there’s a vision
in the vision is a road
it’s the road to his freedom

oh, Tell me what you know
About God and the world and the human soul
How so much can go wrong
and still there are songs

In the man the man there’s a plan
in the plan is his future
and the future’s for his child
and he won’t slow down

In the girl there’s a faith
and the faith there’s a prayer
in the prayer there’s a promise…

In the boy is a dream
in the dream he is standing
and he stands without falling
and he won’t back down

in the woman there’s a picture
in the picture is a girl
in the girl there’s a room…

Tell me what you know
About God and the world and the human soul
How so much can be wrong
and still there are songs
In their hearts and souls
an unstoppable refrain

Hope stands in defiance
In the girl there’s a room
In the room there’s a table
On the table there’s a candle
and it won’t burn out
it won’t burn out

…this is a song about hope…..this is a song about freedom…..this is a song about the defiance of a prayer….

Tomorrow, well…we’ll see……

You can find this entire series here.  

growing up last

5 thoughts on “31 Days of Growing Up: Day 15

  1. Pingback: 31 Days of Growing Up: Because it’s Time | Marcy Holder

  2. Pingback: 31 Days of Growing UP: Day 18 | Marcy Holder

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