31 Days of Growing Up: Day 23

There were plans…..

But then life……

growing up last

I  have these sketchy ideas about homes and personal growth  and I could see them clear as day if I could just get the night vision goggles up to my eyes.

And then last night in a conversation with my husband, I compared myself to Jimmy Buffett. And Jimmy Buffett …..not my favorite.

So, plans , life and Jimmy Buffett with night vision goggles cleaning up 7 layers of dirt pudding is resulting in a detour.

Holding pearly expectations against raw reality is hard stuff.  Pay-the-bills crashes into authenticity and 12 year olds are shooting their friends and cornering them to suicide.

And there are days when the routine of it all is like acetaminophen for the soul  and days when the ache gives way and the soul sears like it’s been transplanted.  Who wants to be a grown-up then?

Today is one of those days.  A once a semester kind of day where everyone will survive if I toss out the list until tomorrow.

I’m tempted to think that I’ve earned this day, but it’s a gift and part  of growing up is learning to accept gifts. Do you accept gifts well?  Because I’m not so good at it.

I usually protest, oh you shouldn’t have.  And I insult the giver with too many words, my insecurity minimizing their graciousness.  I almost did that with this day.  Put on my big girl panties and sucked all the raw sour back up into my soul and went out there because that’s how you do life as an adult.

But that would be akin to telling a retching child the vomiting will stop if they just hold their breath.  It won’t and my gasping soul can’t breathe if I’m holding my breath.

Tweens aren’t killing people here and no one is throwing up, but when you finally get the night vision goggles to your eyes,  the searing red movement of hearts bleeding all over life is sometimes  just too much.  Sometimes you just want to  unsee.

When we’ve seen, there’s no choice.

If we’ve glimpsed wholeness the only choice is to continue growing.

But today I have a choice to give my soul space and expel the toxins. To accept the gift of time and  rain and silence.

You can find the entire series here.

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