I drove both to get perspective and lighten the load in my van.
We don’t take TV’s, the man said. So I pulled out, my heart feeling as heavy as the back of my van.
I wasn’t going to write these words.
God told me there were new words and I thought he meant pink, fluffy shades of pastel sunsets.
I know I heard him right.
I’ve had years of practice.
Years where he provided enough in dry deserts.
Years of silent tears and bight red ledgers.
Years without laughter never mind actual rest.
Years of work with a dangling thick cord of hopes deeply buried and dreams undiscovered.
I tied expectations to the work of honesty.
But I’m hanging on to the end of corded expectations. The sunset isn’t pink as it sets over the lapping waves.
And I’m angry.
My feet aren’t dancing on sand, they’re buried in gun powder.
At the very least, I expected a clean break for my heart.
Jagged broken edges of a heart leaving clean cuts to heal quickly.
This is mangled ends of singed shredded flesh.
And the world marches on.
Seemingly happy people anesthetized completely by activity or comfort or busy.
How are they OK living numb lies while I dive into hot bubbly pain that won’t cool.
I’m self righteous in my pain.
I chose the right way, the honest searching of a soul and this is the reward?
Are you kidding me?
Raw words are ugly and I didn’t rest my dreams on ugly.
This is not the story that I wanted to write.
I planned to write from a place of healing and I’m a patient fully awake while they halve my heart and remove a lung.
He told me to breathe in deep.
You are Lord God Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth
and breathe out slow
and the Healer of my soul
I thought that 17 years of looking pain straight in the face would be enough.
I’m sure that Job planned on keeping his children, too.
And the voices scream who do you think you are comparing yourself with Job, you should be so righteous.
No, this wasn’t my plan.
The words weren’t supposed to be this ugly.
They were supposed to be pretty.
And so I wait and I breathe and I beg and I dig deeper to be honest in the depth of a pain I thought would be better by now.
And I believe as one who has Hope while I beg forgiveness for my unbelief.