My prayers are open and vague these days.
But when life is completely turned upside down and everything you already have is just outside your grasp, then having not because you ask not doesn’t really seem to apply as much.
I force a specific prayer this morning.
Soak my heart by telling God what I want and hoping He’ll agree. But it’s not about his agreement, it’s about his sovereignty and my words are quickly followed by the ones I know best.
Unless there’s another plan.
Those words have opened difficult doors. And I’m ready not to pray them anymore.
The desire to delete that phrase sheds light on my complacent heart. A heart that wants what I want because I think that’s what would make me happy and can I be honest for a minute?
Because honestly, I’m a little over holiness at this point.
I’m digging for happy.
And then there’s the difference between happiness and joy and I can’t even open that door because today I’d trade a whole pie of joy for a slice of happy.
They both come with a healthy topping of fear right now.
There are some moments of choice ahead. And as I read the phrase I just wrote, it sounds a little simplistic.
But there are moments.
There’s because we always have and what if.
There’s the ceiling opening to hope while the door in the floor creaks closed to fear.
Today will be about small tasks and a barely-there heartbeat. About cultivating hope and stomping out fear.
Tomorrow will be more of the same.
It will be cold this week, but I hear that Spring follows Winter and I believe the small cold mundane decisions of these days will warm soon enough. And when they do, low ceilings will make the most lovely floors.