There are gaping holes in my faith right now as I reconcile Truth that was practically transfused into my blood as a small child, some would call it indoctrination, with the truth I see being lived out locally and globally.
I come from a long line of head-nodders and I’m not talking about my family tree. I see gashes in grace as I’m watching the gospel of Jesus that I believe so deeply leak out all over a parched, pain-filled world and not even begin to quench it’s thirst for meaning.
My own belief in who Jesus is carries with it the requirement for sharing that belief, but what I’m wondering is how to embed the doctrine of making disciples of all men (Matthew 28:19-20) into the broken code of who his disciples actually are (John 13:35).
Add that to my own inability to follow the mandates of scripture to hand out grace that was offered to me freely to others; to build life rafts of forgiveness because the bible says if you don’t forgive you won’t be forgiven; pile on top my inability to live out for one minute what I believe on a truthful and authentic level, and there’s a crisis between my head and my heart of biblical proportions.
My faith people are Answer Theologists and I gave up answers for Lent about fifteen years ago. You should also know that 15 years ago I didn’t practice Lent so really, I just gave them up.
When I did, craziest thing happened. When I stopped reading books about What I Believe, and Why I Believe What I Believe, and How to Answer Every Question Someone Ever Might Ask About Your Faith, because of course, that’s the cornerstone of evangelicalism, when I put those books on the shelf and shut up the Answer Girl in my own head, I learned who God was.
I fell in love with the immutable love that he offered to me when I let go of The Answers.
I saw him everywhere around me and stopped trying to strengthen my faith. Instead, I let HIM build my faith from the inside out. I came into a deeper understanding of why the transfused and indoctrinated blood inside me gave me life. It was because he first loved me, not because I first loved him. In fact, his love for me has absolutely nothing to do with my love for him. His love became a part of me and transformed my life from the inside out instead of the outside in.
It was beautiful and filled with Hope.
I’m asking a lot of questions these days and I’m calling those of you who dare, to ask questions with me. I’m inviting you to walk through the unsettled rumblings inside your soul and see what’s hidden there. I’m asking you to discover the Beauty in the Blood, if there is such a thing.
Tomorrow, I’m going to talk more about Answer People, but today I’d like you to think about your own questions.
Do you have any?
Are you looking for something deeper in your life?
Have you parked yourself in a pew for years and do you find yourself beginning to question what you believe?
Is this all new and intriguing to you?
Would you care to share in the comment section?