My own voice echoed as the list rolled.
Remember when you…….
and then you had the nerve to say……..
I bet she thinks………..
and you seem like………
why did you say that………
you should have ………..
you shouldn’t have…..
yep, you’re doing it wrong.
I made a bold statement, said that God thinks you’re some of his best work. Said that he cares about every detail of your day and speaks to you all the time if you’ll listen, if you’ll look.
I went on with my week and forgot to remember……
That when I make progress in any area of my life; when I live, on purpose, out of the bold yet vulnerable places in my soul, there’s a shady voice always waiting, hellbent on the back-door destruction of my heart. I mistake it for my own voice if I’m not careful and I bet you do to.
My soft spots always include relationships, people, all kinds of them. They hurt me young and left me early and I still hold onto the belief that I can be a good enough friend to avoid conflict altogether. Conversations incessantly loop and the voice insufferably auto-corrects with one rotten subtitle: you did it wrong.
Maybe it’s different for you. Maybe you feel the flash of shame when you think about your marriage or your parenting, or maybe it’s a full-blown lightening show. A burst of insecurity about your education lights up a rod of dying dreams, blazing a grand finale of deep disappointments from high school to the present.
It makes you feel like you’re in trouble, like when you were a kid and your mama used your full name.
It steps on the softened place that connects to your heart, yanking you backward into a muddy pit of degradation while angry accusations blare from the perimeter.
It triggers a flash that burns hot in the notch behind your ears shooting into your spine, dropping into your stomach or filling up your eyes as the disappointment, failure, or shame physically becomes part of you.
The voice I heard sounded like my own and it took me a while to remember that it’s not. It’s a lying voice of opposition, not authorship and it contradicts, admonishes. The one goal of this voice is to drown out the voice that’s Truthful.
It begins with a whisper of thanks for Hope and ends with the decision to choose the Voice that speaks life. In the middle of the night it’s hard for me to remember, but I’ve learned the difference and it’s a game changer.